My 1st Week Struggle...

The first week after Brytt was born Robin was able to take off and spend at the hospital with me. That was such a blessing. I don't know why but that first week I could not stand to be in the NICU for very long. Poor Robin. He would sit in there forever and I couldn't. I would sit in there for about 15 minutes and that's all I could take. I would then go sit out in the waiting room by myself for hours then go back in for 15 minutes. I just couldn't do it.

After that first week, Robin had to go back to work and I knew that I would have to do better. It was like someone turning on a switch. After that, I had no problems being in there. I could sit there for hours and be fine. I don't know what my hang up was that first week. I don't know if it was the shock, the not knowing, all the equipment or that I just felt in the way. But mostly you feel so helpless. Thankfully I got over that pretty fast...

To Live or Die

Everything was touch and go for quite some time. When she was about 5 days old ultrasounds of her brain showed that she'd had a brain hemorrhage. They rank them from a Grade I (mild) to Grade IV (severe). Hers was a Grade III. This had to have been the single hardest day of my life. The doctor came to us and told us that between how severely early she was and now the hemorrhage her quality of life would be nothing. She would never walk or talk and would have to be put in an institution. She would basically be a vegetable. At this point we may want to consider turning off the life support.

How on earth do you make a decision like this? Unfortunately, I know that people are having to do this on a daily basis but at 20 years old it was nothing I had ever dreamed I would be doing. In my naive world I had no clue that NICU's existed or that babies were born premature. It was overwhelming and such a blur. I remember gathering our families together in a little room and talking it through. In the end we decided that quality of life was what you make it and we couldn't stop life support. I think that to date, this was my ultimate low with her and believe me we have since seen and been through alot...but this was my low point... to live or die...

March 25th...

...today was Brytt's due date. Thanksgiving seems so long ago, its hard to believe that she missed this much time in the womb...

Picking a name...

While riding in the ambulance on our way to the hospital I knew that 'Hope' would be in her name. Whether it was her first name or last I didn't care...I just knew that Hope had to be there. I don't know why I thought of Hope and not Faith, because God knows we were going to need even more of that. But Hope it was...

The doctors had told us that the survival rate for a 22 weeker was less then 10%. The chance of her surviving the night was doubtful. When I finally got to my room all I could think about was that she was not going to die without a name. We were so sure that we were going to have a boy that we didn't even consider girl names. So Robin and I talked about names that we liked and finally settled on one. In the early morning hours I filled out her birth certificate and made it official. Our precious, tiny baby had a name...

Bryttaney Hope

It wasn't until a few weeks later that someone finally said to me...'You do realize that you spelled Bryttaney wrong...' I didn't realize that. I honestly thought that was how it was spelled.

22 Weeks 1 Pound 3 Ounces 11.5 Inches

...barely 1/2 way through the pregnancy. 22 weeks. 4 months & 2 weeks. 144 days. 1 pound, 3 ounces. 19 ounces. 550 grams. Later I was told not to look at the weight so much as the gestation. One is better off with a small baby, born later in gestation then a large baby born earlier. 22 weeks was unheard of.

She was born at 10:07 pm. I don't know what time they took her to the NICU, I was moved to a different room in the ER to be monitored pretty soon after she was born. Sometime after midnight they moved me to a room up in labor and delivery. On the way I got to stop by the NICU and see her for the first time. It is so hard to describe and for people to comprehend. It is an experience I wish on nobody, not even my worst enemy.

She was so tiny. The amount of equipment and people around her was astounding. Her little eyes were still fused shut. She practically had no ears. Because she had no 'fat' she was bright red...this was because there was no fat between her skin and her organs, so we could 'see through' her skin. It was beyond overwhelming.

November 25th

...actually it started November 24th, but didn't realize it at the time. I woke up early on the 24th...it was the day before Thanksgiving. I was soaking wet. I thought I had peed the bed, but everytime I walked I would get a little wetter. When the OB office opened a made an early morning appointment. When I got to his office I was spotting and cramping. They took a urine sample, told me that I had a urinary tract infection, handed me some depends and told me to get on the meds ASAP. I was still 'peeing' when I walked so went home immediately. That night I started cramping really bad in my back. I paged the OB and he told me that I just had a really bad UTI that was also in my kidneys. That it was going to get worse before it got better. I need to stop being a baby and if I didn't feel better on Friday to call him.

So....I tried my best to ignore the pain and went to bed. The next morning, November 25th, was Thanksgiving so we drove 1.5 hours to spend the day with Robins family at his parents house. I was no longer 'peeing' when I walked but was still cramping. I spent a big part of the day under a blanket with a heating pad. That night after everyone had left except us, Robins parents and his aunt and uncle, I was using the bathroom and her little foot came out. I yelled for Robin and he came into the bathroom and made me lay on the floor while his mom called 911. While waiting for the ambulance Robin 'delivered' the other foot (I am sure this is TMI).

The ambulance finally got there and we were on our way to the ER. The EMT's were able to deliver the rest of her body but my cervix had clamped around her neck so they couldn't do any more until we got to the hospital. When we got there we were met by everyone but the janitor (as far as I know the janitor wasn't there anyways...) They immediately intubated her, stabilized her and got her to the NICU.

Officially our lives had all changed in a way that none of us ever imagined...

Before Baby

When Robin and I first got married I knew that I didn't want to have big age gaps between my kiddos. So our first round of business was to start adding to the family. We got 'lucky' the first time out. Our first baby together was due March 25, 1994 and I was thrilled. We had just purchased our first house and everything seemed perfect. I loved being pregnant. I first felt her move the middle of November around 20 weeks...how much more exciting could things get?? Who would have known that just 2 weeks later the bottom would fall out of all our lives...